berbakti

as far as i can remember, i always be the serious one, and my brother became the playful one.

from very young age, i already thinking of how to handle my family, to be the one who’s responsible, especially for my parents on their retirement day.

that’s why i study hard, i do what i’ve been asked. i even took the major my parent wants me to, though i have no passion about it. there’s only one time i became playful, when i saw my brother can be reliable.

now i’m working in some big company, that paid me enough, and suddenly my family facing a problem, and i have to take part to be the one who can be reliable.

i think, with all i’ve done, it would be enough.

but turns out, it isn’t.

i stop asking big things to God. i have no ambitions to pursue. there’s only one thing i really want:

saya mau hidup tenang, tanpa merasa khawatir, cemas ataupun ketakutan.

saya hanya ingin bahagia.

 

dan setelah selama ini berdarah2, hanya bisa gigit jari saat mendengar pencapaian teman2 disekitar saya, pada akhirnya saya masih juga dianggap bersalah, hanya karena saya memilih untuk memanfaatkan uang yang saya hasilkan sendiri untuk menyenangkan diri sendiri.

lalu saya harus bagaimana lagi untuk akhirnya bisa dianggap berbakti? ūüė¶

Iklan

segelas air

“sebotol¬†mahal¬†anggur¬†putih¬†ada¬†di depan¬†matamu

tapi kamu tak pernah tahu. Kamu terus menanti.

segelas¬†air putih.”

pernah baca rectoverso?

dari semua cerita bagus yang aku baca, kalimat diatas itulah yang paling terngiang-ngiang di pikiranku.

that time i was thinking, how stupid that woman for can not see something precious just in front of her eyes.

tapi mungkin benar kata orang:

semut di seberang lautan terlihat. gajah di pelupuk mata tak terlihat

aku sendiri ternyata mengalaminya. aku melihatnya dari waktu ke waktu. ada disetiap luka hatiku. tapi waktu kami tidak pernah tepat. dan sekarang aku terlalu pengecut untuk mengejarnya.

satu yang aku tau, kamu, anggur putih itu dimataku, bahkan saat yang lain belum menyadarinya, aku sudah tau. dan mungkin baiknya aku menyerah saja. tapi janjiku dulu masih sama, aku akan berusaha selalu ada,

untuk kamu,

meski¬†kamu¬†tidak¬†tahu. ūüôā

selamat tahun baru, kamu.

delcon

oke, saya mengaku¬†bersalah, niat¬†1 blog per minggu¬†batal¬†dengan¬†sukses, and it’s already one month left after my last post.

niat ada sih, apalagi dengan niat untuk menerapi diri sendiri, dan pikiran saya yang kompleks membantu untuk memberikan topik2 ga penting seputar kehidupan saya. tapi kemalasan membuat saya urung menuliskan pikiran saya ke blog.

for that, i’m¬†sorry. to my own self.

jadi, mari kita mulai.

beberapa waktu lalu saya akhirnya memutuskan untuk menghapus kontak dia dari bbm saya.

sebetulnya rencana itu sudah diniatkan dari beberapa waktu sebelumnya, namun sifat saya yang lebay (kalo ga bisa dibilang dramatis :p), membuat saya trus menunda-nunda.

saya ingin sebuah ending yang berkesan.

tapi sebagaimana biasanya, segala macam skenario itu akhirnya terbuang hanya dengan satu kali tindakan.

delete contact? yes.

tidak ada kata-kata perpisahan. tidak ada ucapan maaf atau terimakasih. bahkan tidak juga menunggu sampai ulang tahunnya bulan depan.

everything simply based on my mom request.

semuanya bermula saat hari itu saya melihatnya memasang inisial E dalam statusnya disertai emoticon :*

and when i talk with my mom, she just asked me repeatedly to just deleting him. without making any excuses.

and on that very moment i just realize,

turns out, while i¬†think i’m¬†just hurting myself, i¬†hurt my parents by making them even sad when they see me torn apart, hurting my own self.

for all my life, i always try not to make my parents dissapointed,, by trying harder so then i can go to the school my parents had choose, until i got hired on some good company.

dan justru saya gagal saat saya bersikap tidak peduli dan terus menerus menyakiti diri sendiri.

i¬†keep thinking,¬†the only person that got hurt when i’m doing it, is just me. but turns out, it’s not.

so then, that night i¬†decided to deleting him while talking with my mom. and guess what, i¬†feel more peacefull¬†after doing it. coz i don’t need to know what he’s doing anymore. ūüôā

25

hari ini tanggal 25.

seandainya kita masih bersama, mungkin saat ini kita sedang merayakan satu tahun sejak perkenalan kita pertama kali sambil berdiskusi tentang realisasi rencana pernikahan kita tahun depan.

tapi kita sudah tidak bersama lagi. sudah 2 bulan lewat sejak kamu memutuskan agar kita jalan sendiri-sendiri.

dan sejak itu aku sedih, kecewa dan marah pada hampir semua hal. terutama jika mengingat semua persiapan yang sudah dilakukan; rancangan anggaran, sampai souvenir hibahan yang seringkali ingin kupecahkan tiap kali mengingatnya.

seandainya aku bisa memutar waktu, aku ingin untuk tidak datang saja setahun yang lalu, sehingga aku tidak perlu mengenalmu.

tapi sesuatu memang memanggilku saat itu. membuatku akhirnya memutuskan datang, lalu bertemu orang tuamu dan akhirnya mengenalmu.

i almost give up everything for you. just so i can be with you.

since then i keep asking God why?

jika dua orang memang tidak berjodoh, kenapa harus dipertemukan?

tapi seperti kata seseorang,

tidak ada yang kebetulan di dunia. semua sudah diatur sedemikian rupa oleh Tuhan. seperti kenapa kita bisa bertemu, semua pasti ada alasannya.

semua pasti ada alasannya.

dan kenapa kita sampai bertemu, Tuhan pasti ada maksud. termasuk kenapa kita akhirnya berhenti. saya cuma belum tahu jawaban lengkapnya.

dan saat ini saya berhenti bertanya kenapa. biar Tuhan menunjukkannya satu demi satu, saya cukup percaya bahwa semua hanyalah yang terbaik yang Dia tetapkan untuk saya.

ūüôā

 

dimana malaikat?

“Apa setan selalu bersama orang2 yang patah hati ya?”

That question suddenly hit one part of the corner of my brain tonight.

Jika tidak,,kenapa saya jadi sedikit meragukan Tuhan saya?

Bukan brarti lantas saya menyangsikan iman saya,,bwat saya iman adalah satu hal yang tidak dapat dinegosiasikan.

Semua pertanyaan tersebut sebetulnya berakar pada satu konsep yang saya yakini, bahwa:

Setiap doa dan permintaan pasti akan dikabulkan.

Hanya saja pelaksanaannya saja yang bisa beda2. Yaitu:
1. Langsung dikabulkan sesuai dengan yang kita inginkan.
2. Ditunda
3. Diganti dengan yang lebih baik, atau
4. Diberikan setelah hari akhir nanti

Karenanya, saat akhirnya saya merasa bahwa apa yang saya minta tidak dikabulkan seperti yang saya mau,,saya langsung sangsi untuk meminta lagi,,karena saya pikir apabila menurut Tuhan permintaan saya bukan yang terbaik bagi saya,,maka pasti akan diganti dengan yang lain,,yang lebih baik.

padahal saat itu yang saya inginkan adalah hal yg tidak terkabul tadi,,

Dan sayapun bertanya2,,dimanakah Malaikat saat seharusnya dia mendampingi hati saya yang sedang meragu ini dan memudahkan setan untuk menggoyahkan keyakinan saya?

Picking a chance

Dulu ada satu cerita tentang seorang perempuan yang menolak seorang laki2 pada masa mudanya,,karena dirasanya laki2 tersebut tidak cukup baik baginya,,
Berpuluh tahun kemudian,,ternyata si laki2 tersebut telah menjadi seorang pejabat dan pengusaha sukses.

And there’s come the question:

If only that girl accepting that young man years ago,,she would be the one who enjoy all that wealthiness and the prestige,,

And I’m thinking lots about that,,of course we don’t want to choose the wrong person,,this is marriage for God sake,,not only a one day wedding,,

And I’ve seen lots of failure around me,,and for me the worst one is some woman who stuck in a very bad marriage and can do nothing that,,

pasrah,,

I don’t want to be that woman,,don’t want to be a mother who say bad things to her children about their dad,,don’t want to be the one who’s been abused mentally and physically,,don’t want to be the one whose husband share his love to another woman,,

That’s why I become very careful to choose the person that would be my future husband,,

Lots of criteria I’ve made,,lots of quality I’ve seek,,considering very thoroughly to every person I know,,making perfection becoming obsesion,,

I do realize and believe that we already have our soulmate since the day our ruh become one with our body,,but I also believe we can change our soulmate to be exactly what we want by asking it over and over through our pray to God,,

And now when I’m thinking about every person I’ve been close with this several years,,I wondering,,would I regret every chance I’ve been drop to be with them? Fyi,,Some of them starting to be some succesfull person,,do I loosing a very good chance?

But then again,,like he said “every chance has their own risk”

So I’m taking my chance,,drop some of them,,though it looks like I become picky about that,,then I choose the decision that I thought was the best one,,put some courage and commitment on it,,

And then I suddenly feel,,it doesn’t matter anymore all the chance I’ve been let go before,,hopefully I’ve made the right decision,,let’s just bismillah,,and give it back to Allah,,

And for the story I’ve told earlier,,that man now is in the jail for some serious corruption case ūüôā

happiness?

Jujur,
Kadang rasanya ga terima dan iri kalau membayangkan dia bahagia.
Satu sisi hatiku rasanya ingin melihat dia sama sengsaranya denganku,
Merasakan apa yang kurasakan.

Kadang rasanya ingin protes,,
Hey,,he’s the one who dumped me! The one who hurt me so bad! Why he could be the 1st one who embrace happiness?
It should be me!

Ada semacam skema keadilan di kepalaku, yang berpikir seharusnya mereka yang tersakiti lebih dulu merasa bahagia dibanding mereka yang menyakiti,, meskipun tanpa sengaja,,

But then again I think,,
If he feels unhappy,,does it really matter for me?
My family would still face a financial problem,,
I still got hurt,,
and moreover I still got this sickness.

What’s the difference then?

Maybe I just not ready yet to face another reality,,I just trying to get used with my whole situation,,I don’t need another hurts,,another dissapointment,,

But then you never care,,not before,,not now,,and maybe never ūüôā

And for now I just can’t lie,,and say that everything is ok,,I’m fine and pray for your happiness,,I just can’t,,

This time I want to be egoist,,like you always said I was,,

Lately I think,,could it be something grows in my uterus is because I’ve been holding up my thought and my feeling for so long?what a stupid thought,, :p

God, I need to moved out from here,,

moved on (again)

#the script-long gone and moved on
When’s the day you start again

And when the hell does you’ll get over it begin

I’m looking hard in the mirror

But I don’t fit my skin

It’s too much to take

It’s too hard to break me

From the cell I’m in

Oh from this moment on

I’m changing the way I feel yeah

From this moment on

It’s time to get a real

Cause I still don’t know how to act

Don’t know what to say

Still wear the scars like it was yesterday

But you’re long gone and moved on

Cause you’re long gone

But I still don’t know where to start, still finding my way

Still talk about you like it was yesterday

But you’re long gone and moved on

But you’re long gone, you moved on

So how’d you pick the pieces up yeah

I’m barely used to saying me instead of us

The elephant in the room keeps scaring off the guests

It gets under my skin to see you with him

And its not me that you’re with

Oh from this moment on

I’m changing the way I feel yeah

From this moment on

It’s time to get a real

Cause I still don’t know how to act

Don’t know what to say

Still wear the scars like it was yesterday

But you’re long gone and moved on

Cause you’re long gone

But I still don’t know where to start, still finding my way

Still talk about you like it was yesterday

But you’re long gone and moved on

But you’re long gone, you moved on

No I can’t keep thinking that you’re coming back

No

Cause I got no business knowing where you’re at

No

And its gonna be hard yeah

Cause I have to wanna heal yeah

And its gonna be hard yeah

The way I feel that I have to get real

I still don’t know how to act

Don’t know what to say

Still wear the scars like it was yesterday

But you’re long gone and moved on

But you’re long gone

But I still don’t know where to start, still finding my way

Still talk about you like it was yesterday

But you’re long gone and moved on

But you’re long gone, you moved on

But you’re long gone, you moved on

eh eh, oh oh

eh eh, oh oh

But you’re long gone, you moved on …

*sometimes moved on can be tiresome,,especially if you gone through the same old place,,the same old problem,,the same old love,,*

God Must Be Kiddin’ Me

Sometimes I think that God must be kidding me,,

When the one I love was decided to leave,,
though I don’t know why I love him,,
since he never been there for me.
Not when I feel sad,,
When I’m sick,,
When I have lots of problem,,
or even when I’m asking him,,
without any dignity left.
Still I love him.

When the one I want was suddenly dissapear,,
though I’m not loving him that much,,
I want to be with him,,
when I started to put some hope on him,,
he suddenly take a step back,,
and dissapear,,
but then somehow I still want him,,

And finnally,,
The one that come from my past coming back so sudden,,
bringing back some good memories,,
when I don’t want to repeat that whole memories once again,,
Though he did a couples sweet thing when we’re still in a relationship,,
He’s there when I heard my dad got sick, he’s there when I have lots of problem,,
He even came when I got sick back then,,
came away from yogya to my hometown with only one time I asked,,

Then I wondering,,
Why things got messed up like this??
Why can’t they come on the right moment??
when I want them on the exact moment,,

Don’t know wether God want to make me learn some lesson,,
or just kidding me,,
but there must be some perfect plan that God have been made for me,,
And since I can’t see the future,,
the only thing I can do for now is go where’s the road brings me,,

And hopefully brings me to the right person at the right moment,,
Eventually,,

fallen

Is your favourite colour blue?
Do you always tell the truth?
Do you believe in outerspace?
And im learning you

Is your skin as tanned as mine?
Does your hair flow sideways?
Did someone took a portion of your heart?
And im learning you

And if you dont mind
Can you tell me
All your hopes and fears
and Everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world
I’d love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me

I let my guard down for you
And in time you will too

if you dont mind
Can you tell me
All your hopes and fears
and Everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world
I’d love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me

if you dont mind
Can you tell me
All your hopes and fears
and Everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world
I’d love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me

4x
Deeper Conversation
let me
~yuna-deeper conversation~

When I hear this song,,somehow I remember how it feels to fall in love,,

You’ll always think you’re fall in love with someone you have a crush with,,

’till you really really feel that everything about you were influenced by him,,

your mood,,

the way you’re thinking,,

how you make your decision,,

And in the end,,all aspect about you were considering his appearance,,

That moment you’ll know that you’re in love.

When the moment come,,and the person you love feeling the same thing,,embrace it,,never be afraid though it’s frightening somehow to feel that kind of vulnerable,,

Coz you’re lucky to have it,,not everyone could have it ūüôā

Yuna-decorate

So you decided to see me out of the blue
Should I let you come over
I think you’re doing fine
That girl in your arms
Does she know where you come from

Almost made me move out of town
You don’t want me to be around
But I stayed anyway
Just in case

Finding reasons to hate you more than before
Like how you said you would call
But never at all
Got rid off your number that I know by heart

You left your things at my place
As if I have all the space
Cause you know I don’t mind
Just come back when you think it’s time

I’m all black and white inside
Monotonous from left to right
I decorate my house with things you love
Just in case you show up
In case you show up

if

Jadi,
Harusnya hari ini jadi hari yang istimewa,,karena akhirnya aku bisa ketemu lagi sama gebetanku setelah cukup lama ga ketemu,,
Oh ya dia masih sekeren biasanya,,mungkin malah semakin fresh,,
Harusnya sih aku seneng,,

Tapi ternyata,,perasaanku justru biasa2 aja,,rasa tertarik yang dulu ada,,sekarang malah hilang sama sekali. Bukannya bakal pengaruh apa2 sih,,secara dia juga ga tau kalo aku tertarik,,tapi ya dengan adanya dia,,dulu sempat menceriakan hari2ku juga,,meskipun sedikit,,

Sebetulnya aku tau jawabannya.

Sejak “dia” datang lagi,,semua jadi tampak biasa di mataku. Lagi2 cuma ada dia. Dan sekarang setelah dia pergi lagi,,jujur rasanya agak gamang lagi,meskipun tidak separah dulu. Ditambah dengan semakin dekatnya lebaran,,masa akhirnya dia pulang dan bertemu teman2nya semakin dekat,,jadi ngerasa gusar sendiri,,khawatir kejadian 2 taun lalu terjadi lagi,,saat aku melihat dia dengan cewe barunya,,

Hummhhh,,tau sih,,ga hakku juga untuk bahkan sekedar merasa khawatir,,siapa aku??but then somehow I still don’t want to let him go that easy,,

Ahahahahaha mungkin kalo aku yang cowo dan dia yang cewe,,semua akan jadi lebih mudah,,mungkinkah??somehow I doubt it,,

Oohh I hate myself to be like this,, I used to be tough girl,,I have face lots of even worst broken heart than this one,,and I can stand up again,,though not that easy,,and once I’ve decided to move on,,I can done that,,

But why this one should be different??when I know the only chance I have is that if Allah finnally change his mind and made us a soulmate,,

If I really can’t be with him,,then I wish Allah would erase my feeling to him,,soon,,
And replace him with someone better,,

fall in love and broken heart repeatedly to the same person,,

So,
I met this perfect guy,though he didn’t think himself as perfect,,he did to me,,
Don’t ask why, coz I don’t know either,,
The only think I know, is that I have this deep crush on him and as the time goes by, it became love accidentally,,

We have try to get along for a while, but then I face my 1st broken heart with him,,

Things are getting hard for a while,,with me trying so damn hard to forget and letting him go,,

But after a while,the communication are open accidentally

And I’m fallin in love again,,

But when things are going well, I realize that he’s not that into me,,and I face another broken heart,,

Maybe I should’ve gone since months ago,,but then again I can’t,,
He’s the one I want to be with,,not only for now,but for tons of year in front of us,,
And now I’m facing the only option I have, to let him go,,seriously now,,

Could I?
if only he could really see me,,

crush in crush

What if,
You like someone,quite much,,
But not so much ’till you want to be with him…
For the rest of your life,,

still you don’t want him to be with anyone else,,except you,,wanna enjoy his smile beside you,and see his soft eyes to you,,

Then what would you do?
Would you fight for him or just let him go??

juni

aku bosan merasa sedih,,

rasanya ingin kubakar saja semua hal yang membuatku sedih itu

tapi,,

ternyata aku menghargai kenangan itu jauh melebihi ekspektasiku sendiri

dan ini bukan karena kamu,,

karena aku memang seperti itu

sesederhana itu

studyholic

so,

I don’t smoke, I don’t drunk, I don’t use drugs, and hopefully I wouldn’t have to experience a hang over, or overdose.

my addiction is still linger only in books and foods section, maybe guys sometimes *wink*

but tonight,

I thought about one kind of addiction; how I put this, I wanna be a *lets called it* studyholic.

For whole of my life I never really study properly. all I do was only study before the exams or when there’s homework that had¬† to be done. the best efforts I’ve done maybe only when I was facing my graduation from junior high school, looking for college after graduated from high school and when I faced my undergraduate thesis final exams. the experiences I won’t do it again, if I have any option ūüėÄ

so because of that experience, I was wondering, how it’d be felt to addicted to study, getting really interested about something, and do maximal effort to mastering the thing?

perempuan dan ambisinya

jadi,

ternyata kemarin adalah hari kartini. dan saya tidak sadar.satu lagi bukti kekurangnasionalisan saya hehe but i’m not doing that on a purpose. i swear. *ngacungin dua jari membentuk lambang peace*

tapi sebetulnya ada alasannya sih, ada hal yang sedang kupersiapkan, and that occupied my mind a lot.

bicara soal hari kartini buat orang indonesia tentu saja identik dengan masalah ke perempuanan. dan jelas kehidupan masyarakat akhir2 ini sudah sangat sangat maju dan berubah. emansipasi wanita didengung2kan diseluruh dunia.

tapi kenapa aku merasa ada hal yang berbeda dengan konsep emansipasi wanita pada awalnya ya?

hmm,,

dulu aku pernah dengar, katanya laki2 dikalahkan oleh tiga hal:

harta, tahta dan wanita.

jika dia tidak dapat digoda dengan harta, maka sodorkanlah tahta. atau sebaliknya. dan bila dua2nya tidak mempan, maka sodorkanlah wanita di depan hidungnya. dan jika salah satu dari tiga hal itu akhirnya menggoda imannya, maka keruntuhannya hanya tinggal menunggu waktu.

dan untuk perempuan?

nafsunya sendiri adalah musuh besarnya. bahkan kata si papah, kadang perempuan justru jauh lebih rakus bila dibandingkan laki2.

perempuan dan ambisinya.

sangat mengerikan apa yang mungkin dapat dilakukan perempuan untuk memenuhi nafsu dan ambisinya. u won’t ever know what would they do to get what they want. that’s why i prefer to make friendships with men.

aku sendiri bisa dibilang perempuan yang nggak punya ambisi. tanya aja si mamah. she would agree without hesitation. ūüėÄ aku punya terlalu banyak si papah didiriku, baik fisik maupun sifat. ya, aku punya target. tapi aku menggapainya hanya sebagai satu titik dalam hidup yang harus dicapai, so my life would worth to live. hanya itu. menjadi wanita karir sebetulnya adalah impian si mamah yang tidak kesampaian. and as for myself? it’s just one thing i have to do, coz i still have lots of responsibilities, and i want to be independent enough without worrying about my financial problems.

sejujurnya dulu aku sempat bercita2 untuk menjadi ibu rumah tangga. aku ingat pernah bilang begitu ke seseorang diawal masa kuliah. aku pengen jadi ibu rumah tangga yang sukses. mungkin karena si mamah adalah ibu rumah tangga. yang kubayangkan adalah bangun pagi dan menyiapkan seragam dan sarapan untuk anak2 dan suamiku. kemudian menyambut mereka pulang. that was my perfect picture of my future life.

coz i just want a simple and peacefull life.

tapi sejak si papah sakit, well everything change. and i learned about life in a hardest way.

and i appreciate simple life higher than before.

soulmate-natasha bedingfield

Incompatible, it don’t matter though
‘cos someone’s bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You’re not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you’re in disguise

Who doesn’t long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I’m on my own
If there’s a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There’s enough for everyone
But I’m still waiting in line

Who doesn’t long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I’m on my own
If there’s a soulmate for everyone

If there’s a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They’re all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn’t long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I’m on my own
If there’s a soulmate for everyone

that’s natasha bedingfield’s song, soulmate.

to be honest, i don’t really like the song, but the lyrics is good enough.

somehow, it touch me, coz that’s how i feel lately.

becoming a soulmatehunter.

funny, ‘coz i know someone who made a statement exactly like that. someone that i used to want ones. but then still we search in a different way. if only we found each other, then we could stop searching again.

ehehehehheheheheheh,,stupid.

how easy  life would be, if everything goes on the same simple formula like that.

but then, life is never flat. they move around in a very complicated circle. and it would surprise us…

if only we could see them on the right perception.

ūüôā

kangen

saya sebetulnya kangen sekali bwat ngepost disini. selama 23 hari di jogja ada banyak banget cerita. tapiii,,,sayangnya saya sangat lelah dan mengalami busleg ūüėõ walhasil, kerinduan saya cuma dapat ditumpas dengan beberapa baris kalimat ini.

oh ya, saya sedang asik dengan “rumah baru” niy, lagi beres2, dan mudah2an tidak lama lagi akan bisa dibuka pintunya untuk teman2 singgah.

well, anyway, gudnite, my dear friend,,

hope we can dream what we like,,

c u soon,,

*groookkk*