;)

if only you’re wondering,

no.

i’m not trying to win you back.

…

…

…

not anymore.

introspeksi

kadang kupikir bahkan seorang dokter pun tidak bisa mendiagnosa dengan tepat apa penyakit yang dideritanya sendiri.

kalo aku ga salah ingat pun, ada kode etik dokter yang menyatakan dia tidak boleh merawat pasien yang masih ada hubungan kerabat dengan dia. aku ga tau pasti, kalo salah maaf ya?

manusia seringkali bisa dengan mudah melihat apa yang salah dari orang lain. apa kekurangannya.

bisa dengan gampang memberikan kritik dan saran.

tapi saat dia dihadapkan sama dirinya sendiri. seringnya dia jadi tidak tahu dimana letak kesalahannya. merasa bahwa dirinya sudah melakukan yang terbaik yang bisa ia lakukan.

introspeksi jadi satu kata sederhana yang sangat sulit untuk dimaknai, dipahami, dan dijalankan seperti halnya ikhlas.

kadang bertanya pada yang bersangkutan pun kita belum tentu akan mendapatkan jawaban pasti di sebelah mana tepatnya kesalahan kita. pada akhirnya kita hanya bisa mengandalkan diri sendiri untuk mencari jawaban yang benar, mungkin tidak tepat benar, tapi paling tidak mendekati.

tapi jika sampai akhir pun kita tidak tau dimana salah kita, bagaimana cara kita memperbaikinya?

and somehow, i still wondering, where did i go wrong?

beyonce-dissapear

If i beg and if i cry
Would it change the sky tonight
Will it give me sunlight
Should i wait for you to call
Is there any hope at all
Are you drifting by

When i think about it
I know that i was never held or even cared
The more i think about it
The less that i was able to share with you
I try to reach for you, i can almost feel you
You’re nearly here
And then you disappear
(disappear, disappear, disappear)
You disappear
(disappear, disappear, disappear)

And then i lie all by myself
I see your face, i hear your voice
My heart stays faithful
And time has come and time has passed
If it’s good it’s got to last
It feels so right

When i think about it
I know that i was never held or even cared
The more i think about it
The less that i was able to share with you
I try to reach for you, i can almost feel you
You’re nearly here
And then you disappear
(disappear, disappear, disappear)
You disappear
(disappear, disappear, disappear)
You, you disappear

I missed all the signs
One at a time you were ready
What did i know starting our lives
No my love, i’m ready to shine

When i think about it
I know that i was never held or even cared
The more i think about it
The less that i was able to share with you
I try to reach for you, i can almost feel you
You’re nearly here
And then you disappear
You disappear, you disappear
You disappear, disappear

n.b cuma lagu yang kusuka loh, jangan diartikan macam2 ya? (^ ^)

could it be?

so,

i’ve been promissed to myself to not write such an explisit post about this. but something weird happened just now, and made me thinking.

so i just finished my night prayer and waiting for the shubuh prayer, when i opened my facebook. and like i used to do, i opened someone’s wall. read it all over again. being a masochist for my self then i realized there some post that missing from the wall. the post are just jump from some newest post, skip the post that made me sad for this couples day, to the post where i commented a few months ago, when our relationship on it’s best shape. i kinda surprised when i found this. and i try to scrolled up and down, checking if only my eyes got me wrong. but it wasn’t. and i started to think that it might be some bugs took part on this. but after i refreshed the wall, the post were showed up like it used to be. such a coincidence.

but since i believed there’s no coincidence in this world,i started to think, could it be it’s Allah’s way to answer my prayer? to just remember the good part, skip the worst and just moved on?

half amnesia mechanism

so,

i used to have this mechanism. i called it half amnesia mechanism. weird huh??but it’s worked ;D

it happened almost 4 years ago, during end of 2004 until couples months in early 2005.

around that moment i lost some part of my memories.

bukan kenangan yang krusial sih, maksudnya ga segitu parahnya sampe ga inget nama sendiri ato asal darimana. tapi lebih ke hilangnya beberapa bagian dari kejadian2 yang terjadi disekitar masa2 itu. yang tertinggal sekarang hanya potongan2 kejadian dan kesan yang tertinggal.

mekanisme ini bekerja pada saat aku mengalami rasa sakit yang amat sangat, bukan fisik ya, tapi secara psikis. saat mungkin hatiku tidak sanggup menanggung lagi, secara otomatis pikiranku akan menyingkirkan kenangan itu dari memori. itu yang akhirnya bikin beberapa bagian memoriku hilang. sounds impossible ya? but it happened!:D

tapi, pasti pada bertanya2,

kalo misalkan aku memang mengalami half amnesia ini, kenapa aku bisa sampe tau?

haha itu karena kadang beberapa potong bagian itu seperti muncul diingatan, meski hanya samar ato hanya sekedar kesan. tanda yang pasti adalah rasa sakit yang amat sangat. sampai pernah satu kali hanya karena melihat salah seorang temen, aku langsung nangis sesenggrukan, karena rasa sakit itu muncul lagi, dan aku ga tau apa masalah yang sebenarnya.

seperti lari dari masalah ya? memang hehe,,tapi paling ga itu meringankan hatiku.

tapi akhir2 ini sepertinya mekanisme ini tidak lagi bekerja seperti dulu.mungkin karena umur? ato mungkin juga rasa sakit yang ada sekarang belum separah yang dulu? aku ga tau, yang pasti mekanisme itu belum bekerja, tidak peduli seberapa inginnya aku mekanisme itu bekerja.

and somehow i miss that mechanism.

bilang aku ga mau menghadapi kenyataan, but at least it makes me feel better.

dan bukankah itu yang terpenting?

tradisi lebaran dan sungkeman

jadi,

beberapa hari kemaren, mungkin karena terpengaruh suasana lebaran, aku jadi berpikir:

apa yang identik dengan lebaran?

dan jawaban yang terlintas adalah: ketupat, opor ayam, sholat ied, mudik dan sungkeman.

nah untuk hal yang terakhir ini, boleh percaya boleh ga, di keluargaku yang baru 4 orang ini,, sama sekali ga ada tradisi sungkeman. sejak aku kecil sampe segede gini. setiap lebaran tradisi selalu sama dan berulang, bangun pagi buru2 siap2 bwat sholat ied, abis itu pulang makan dan buru2 lagi bwat siap2 berangkat nyekar ke tasik. pulang dari tasik dah kecapekan dan ga lama pada tewas, dan besoknya dunia berjalan normal kembali

untuk taun ini berhubung aku banyak ngeliat temen2 di fesbuk yang pada sungkeman, maka aku bertanya soal ini pada si mamah, dan si mamah hanya menjawab

” semua juga sudah mamah maafkan.

sebetulnya asal kamu begitu disuruh langsung mengerjakan juga dah cukup bwat mamah dek. “

sesederhana itu.

mungkin itulah cinta orangtua pada anak2nya, begitu anak2nya berbuat kesalahan, seketika itu juga mereka memaafkan

haha mungkin kami ini bukan keluarga yang romantis, dan seringkali melawan pakem yang ada. sering juga kami memangkas segala macam tradisi dan menyederhanakannya hingga hanya hal2 yang benar2 penting yang tersisa. ekspresi dalam kata2 pun sangat jarang beredar diantara kami. tapi meski begitu kami tau.

itu saja sudah cukup.

n.b: waktu aku minta sungkem sama si mamah, pada akhirnya si mamah malah ngegodain aku habis2an,, dan gagallah acara sungkem2an itu.haha,,

n.b.2: baru ngeh kalo ternyata aku belum minta maaf dan sungkem sama si papah dan si kaka,,dan barusan pas aku bilang sama kakaku reaksinya hanya: “halah..” that’s all.

what a family!

(^ ^)

Status Status

jadi,

tiba – tiba saja sudut otakku ini berpikir tentang masalah ga penting ini ,

kenapa di beberapa situs jejaring sosial, pilihan statusnya hanya berkisar antara: SINGLE, In a Relationship, Married, dan Complicated?

situs bukuwajah punya pilihan status yang sedikit lebih banyak. hanya saja yang jadi pemikiranku, kenapa ga ada ya pilihan status seperti ini:

SINGLE, but not available.

SiNGLE, but not interested.

ato yang paling oke

SINGLE, and DON’T EVER THINKING!!!!

ah dan juga status seperti ini:

Married to A, B, C dan D (maksudnya adalah 4 orang yang berbeda)

ato kenapa ga dikasih aja gitu kotak kosong dimana kita bisa menuliskan apa status yang ingin kita tampilkan di profile kita. kaya kotak “About Me” di friendster, ato “Tentang Saya” di bukumuka. yakin deh, pasti setiap orang bakal bisa tampil beda heheheh…

ah dan tadi tercetus dari sahabat saya yang kegilaannya sebelas dua belas sama saya:

“Ko ga ada status Rujuk ya??”

what a world!

)

there, it’s finally come to an end

jadi,

sebetulnya aku ngepost dua postingan yang berbeda dengan judul yang sama, but i was to shy to post that one on this blog, so i posted it to another one

hanya tiba2 bertanya2,

why some of us should through to the wrong person – sometimes lots of – before we get to the true one?

and there’s others that can go straight to the right one?

why sometimes we should go through the broken hearts before we get the ever after?

but like someone told me before,

broken hearts surely heals,

we just need sometimes to get over it,,

maybe it’s time to learn to be ikhlas,,

he’s just not that into you

so,

just watched this movie, and love it so much! makes me think lot of  things. i recomend  this  movie, and wanna share the thoughts also hoho

“girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up:

if a guy punches you, he likes you.

never try to trim your own bangs

and someday, you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending.

every movie we see, every story we’re told implores us to wait for it.

the third act twist:

the unexpected declaration of love.

the exception to the rule.

but sometimes we’re so focused on finding our happy ending,

we don’t learn how to read the signs.

how to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don’t.

the ones who’ll stay from the ones who’ll leave.

and maybe this happy ending doesn’t include a wonderful guy.

maybe it’s you…

on your own…

…picking up the pieces and starting over.

freeing yourself up for something better in the future.

maybe the happy ending is just…

moving on.

or maybe the happy ending is this:

knowing that through all the unreturned phone calls and broken hearts…

through all the blunders and misread signals…

through all the pain and embarrassment…

you never, ever gave up hope.”

*      taken from the movie he’s just not that into you

** wish that i’ll be the exception for someone…

…someday

when you love someone-endah ‘n rhesa

i love you but it’s not so easy to make you here with me
i wanna touch and hold you forever but you’re still in my dream
and i can’t stand to wait the night is coming to my life
but i still have a time to break a silence

when you love someone just be brave to say
that you want him to be with you
when you hold your love don’t ever let him go
or you will loose your chance to make your dream come true

i used to hide and watch you from a distance
and i knew you realized
i was looking for a time to get closer
at least to say hello
and i can’t stand to wait your love is coming to my life

when you love someone just be brave to say
that you want him to be with you
when you hold your love don’t ever let him go
or you will loose your chance to make your dream come true

i never thought that im so strong
is stuck on you and wait so long
but when love comes it can’t be wrong
don’t ever give up, just try and try to get what you want
cause love will find the way